Sick with a cold today, and don’t feel like doing anything except sleeping and/or sitting around…

(from IM)

[13:30] Seth: http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2006/09/13/president_bush_to_placate_kazakhstan_s_l
[13:33] Erica: wtf is ‘kazakhstan’
[13:33] Seth: a country.
[13:33] Erica: can I create a country by banging my head on the keyboard, name it akdfjakljfdastan, and demand reparations for my outrage?
[13:34] Seth: possibly.
[13:34] Erica: “He does not represent the true people of Kazakhstan.”
[13:34] Erica: RIGHT ON
[13:34] Erica: Akdfjakljfdastan CONCURS
[13:35] Seth: HAHA
[13:35] Seth: babe, you’re off your rocker 😉

Then later, in an unrelated conversation…

[13:39] * Seth smashes his head into his keyboard
[13:39] Erica: ooh, are you creating a country too?
[13:39] Seth: vvbn bhygtvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
[13:39] Seth: haha
[13:39] Erica: That’s a hard country name to spell 🙁

A few weeks ago, a friend (G) came out and stayed with me for a few weeks. He was taking a shower one morning and accidentally broke the soap dish in the shower, knocking it off the tile and exposing the wall behind the tile.

What we found was rather disturbing. The entirety of the wall behind the shower was covered in black mold (pic). Not only that, but the soap dish and tile were too (pic). I researched this online and found out that the only way to cure it was to completely remove the shower and reinstall it… a massive undertaking.

My landlord, who lives next door in the other half of the duplex, didn’t look too happy when I told him that. He hired a contractor to come out, who took 60 seconds to peel back the duct tape and say “Oh yeah. That’ll have to be entirely redone.” He also explained that whoever put in the shower (likely the previous owners) glued the tile straight onto the drywall instead of using concrete backer board. Grout lets water through, so over the past few years (my landlord has owned this place since May 2004; I moved here in August 2004 as his first renter) it has gotten progressively worse. Not only that, but the contractor is pretty sure the landlord’s side of the duplex has the same problem.

It’s going to take a week to fix, during which I won’t be able to use the shower. I’ve asked them to schedule it while I’m at Burning Man. I will obviously postpone getting a roommate until after it is fixed. Total cost? I’m guessing between $20,000-$30,000 to fix both sides of the duplex. Even just to fix my side, a conservative estimate would be $10,000, which is nearly 7 months of my rent.

I’m damn glad I don’t own this place.

…that I need at least 2 days off of work this month if I’m ever going to be able to make it to Burning Man.

This weekend, I screwed up some major stuff for our Burning Man camp, and it was because I didn’t have time to get everything done and still do all the stuff I wanted to do this weekend. I ended up staying out all night Saturday night and not waking up until sometime Sunday…at which point I realized I had totally screwed up and not gotten the things done that I was supposed to do.

This is not a very common occurrence for me — dropping the ball, that is — so I was hit with a bunch of guilt full-on about it. But then I realized that dropping the ball didn’t mean that I was slacking on purpose; it meant that I didn’t have enough hours in the day to do everything I needed to do. That includes sleep, of which I am lucky to get 6 hours a night…sometimes 8 if I’m doing really well. Not only that, but there are a ton of things at work that are my responsibility that never seem to get done.

It’s clear to me that I need a hiatus before Burning Man in order to: 1) Pack and prepare for Burning Man itself; 2) Make sure our camp is getting what it needs from me (I’m the financial planner/organizer) before we head out to the playa; and 3) Take some breathing time to get my personal stuff in order and figure out what matters most to me and what I want to spend my time on.

And, frankly, it needs to be this week or I’m seriously not going to get the things done that I need to get done before Burning Man. I’ve also got to cut some things out. For instance, I planned on finding a roommate before Burning Man. I’m now not sure if that’s really feasible due to time constraints, and it would probably be best to table that until September anyway. I also have plans every single weekend between now and Burning Man. I will have to cut at least some of those out. I also have plans for a lot of nights between now and Burning Man, and I’m going to have to cut a lot of those out.

I need to get organized, and stat, before my camp thinks they can’t rely on me. I am normally a very responsible person (hey, I wouldn’t be able to run a business otherwise) and last weekend was the first time I can remember for quite a while that I really flaked out. That’s not a good sign.

I’ll likely take Wednesday and Thursday off this week to handle everything, and I will probably take most of Friday off too. For those of you who read this who are in my Burning Man camp (and I know there are at least a couple of you) this is my signal that I realize I screwed things up and that I need to make serious changes to get things back in order. And for those of you who work with me, it’s my acknowledgement that I need to hire someone else, because the only time things fail like this is when I’m understaffed at work and need to put extra hours in just to handle the load (I put 3+ hours of work in on Sunday, for instance.)

Peace and apologies to those of you affected by my messup. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Being sick, as I was this morning, always has weird effects. For one thing, I ended up sleeping 4 more hours than I normally would have. When I woke up, I felt groggy and disoriented, and I haven’t completely recovered.

I can tell that there are a lot of emotions boiling underneath my normally calm, cool, and collected exterior. I had a massage scheduled today — the first professional massage I have ever had. While I enjoyed it, it was a constant struggle to stop thinking about work and relax. When I get in that mode — where I can’t shut down — that’s bad. I know that means I’ve been ignoring all the emotional drama in my life. And really, there isn’t that much, but when I ignore it it tends to build up to unhealthy levels.

Most of the emotional drama is centered around my love life (or lack thereof.) I haven’t had a relationship since R and I broke up. That breakup was 10 months ago. This is by far the longest time I have been single since I started dating back in high school 10 years ago. While I have thoroughly enjoyed most of my time being single, it really does gnaw at me sometimes. The problem is exacerbated when someone comes into my life whom I feel I’d actually work out with in a relationship — and there have been a few of those (I can name 4) in the past 10 months. I immediately launch (mentally) into this long list of reasons why it wouldn’t work. He lives too far away. Likes something I don’t like. Doesn’t date girls like me. Too old. Too young. Then I plow into the “even if” category — even if he wanted to be in a relationship with me, I fuck up relationships. I don’t know what I want. I vacillate. I throw walls up. I disengage from relationships on a regular basis and just work, work, work. And I seem to hurt every single guy I’ve ever dated in some way. That sucks.

I kick my own butt about all of this on a regular basis. The thing I keep coming back to is that I wish I could just throw it all away. I’m really great at being a nice person. I’m pretty genuine; I wear my emotions on my sleeve and give out lots of hugs. I enjoy my life, my work, and my customers. Why can’t I just be that person and never have to deal with relationships? It really seems like every time the word “relationship” comes into the picture, there is drama. I genuinely wish these guys would accept me as a best friend and I would be able to hug them with no drama.

But then there’s a piece of me that wants more than that. And that’s where it all falls apart.

I don’t know what to do. Other than begging for a drug that shuts off my heart; that allows me to be genuine and happy with people while never, ever wanting anything to do with sex or anything more than “BFF” (best friends forever), I’m at a loss. I have all of these emotions that I do not want. I do not understand them. They are complicated and they do not follow a logical pattern and that drives me crazy. Work — I am good at that. Things that are logical and make sense — I get those. Things that are emotional and follow no discernible pattern — yuck.

Life just doesn’t make any sense sometimes.

(For those of you who don’t follow Sam or FK’s journals, “M,MH&I” stands for “Me, My Health & I.”)

I’ve been having a fair amount of stomach problems over the past 2-3 years, and I’m still messing with my diet to try to figure out what exactly is causing the issues. I know that red meat causes a lot of problems, for instance. However, I’ve finally narrowed one thing down that causes significant issues, and that’s milk.

That sucks. You see, I always thought I had escaped that falling knife because my ancestors lived in Europe. (Hey, don’t say I never learned anything in college… that theory was one of the few things that stuck with me from college, from a really adamant-about-evolution biology professor.) Since I’m adopted, I don’t know my real ancestry; I suppose my ability to tan well should have made me realize that I probably wasn’t descended from the northern European population that can actually digest lactose.

Last week I started noticing that I was having severe cramps, bloating, diarrhea, etc. a few hours after drinking milk. Since I had recently started drinking a different kind of milk, I decided to pick up my regular kind and see if that did the same thing. Unfortunately, last night, it did (and showed itself this morning, which is why I’m writing this blog at 8AM PST.) Well… shoot. I had a bunch of cheese last night, too, but it was Manchego (a variety that is made of sheep’s milk), so I’m not sure if the cheese affected me the wrong way or not. I have some more cheese in the fridge, so I’ll try that experiment tonight and see where it gets me.

Regardless, it’s clear that I will need to cut down on my milk intake significantly, if not cut it out completely. This is disappointing, because I really like cereal with milk, and cereal is a cheap meal that can be made quickly. 🙁

My next mission is to figure out exactly what types of red meat are causing the issue. I’ve already been avoiding red meat for quite a while now — I rarely eat it. Steaks seem to trigger the symptoms the most; hamburgers the least. Symptoms include a lot of gas and bloating and sometimes, if the meat isn’t perfect, diarrhea. If anyone has any ideas on that, feel free to post a comment.