I was a bit unfair. I have to admit it…

Fri, Apr 21, 2006
Me
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7 comments

I wrote a blog a few days ago about how guys are in relationships/fuck-buddy-ships/whatever for one reason. And, while that generally may be true, it’s not always true. So, as a matter of swinging things the other direction a bit, I want to write about someone I love very deeply. That someone is S.

S and I first met in person in November, when I came to NYC and ended up staying at his place in Manhattan. There, we realized we have a lot in common. I first noticed it when I stepped off the plane to find him waiting for me and reading a book on quantum physics. It was then that I knew we would get along really well. We were shocked to find we had even more in common, from general attitudes toward life to personality tests (Myers-Briggs INTJ; Enneagram type 3) to jobs (S managed a datacenter for a big NYC Forex firm; I run a hosting company. The jobs are shockingly similar) to having been burned in relationships in the past and the consistent struggle to find someone who gets past the tough outer shell and into our hearts. S is a Pisces and I am a Cancer, which also makes us a natural fit, and also makes him best friend #4 of mine who is a Pisces.

The unfortunate thing is that S and I can’t be in a relationship because we drive each other crazy. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but the fact is that when you’re 99% the same as someone, the 1% of the time when you are completely different is so annoying as to be fatally damaging to any relationship that would try to develop. So that’s a bummer. But the good news is we realized that really quickly and were able to adjust to being best friends and having conversations that go something along the lines of “Can you fucking believe that <event> happened?” “No way! Well, here’s what you should do. …” “I TOTALLY AGREE!” And this goes on multiple times a day. The really good news is I’ve hired S temporarily to help get a bunch of stuff going on at Simpli, so all of our customers will have some cool new toys to play with this summer. And, before he moves out here on May 5, I just wanted to say, S, I couldn’t get through a day without you there to bounce ideas off of and tell me about all those cool websites you find (except UserFriendly. I could do without more UserFriendly links!) And, above all, I am glad that you are one of my best friends, and I will definitely support you in whatever you decide to do with your life. I love you with all my heart. Welcome to California!

FortKnox

My wife has Early Childhood education education. She isn’t a big computer person (just look at my website. She designed it!). She hates video games. She hates the time I spend on video games. She even didn’t like football when we met.

Talk about a huge difference. She’s the artsy, I’m the techie. Yet, together we make the greatest couple. There are times when I need to blow crap up on a video game and she needs to watch a cheesy show that I hate, but that’s a good thing. We have time apart and our own little things. But we also do most stuff together…

Anyway, I can go on, but the point I’m trying to make is stop analyzing crap so much in a relationship. Quit spending 2 weeks with a guy, hyperanalyzing him, figuring out why you guys fit so well together, then force yourself to fall madly in love with him. I’m guessing that’s not exactly how it happens, but its how I read it when you blog about it.

Go on a date. See how you feel afterwards. If you feel good, go on another date. Keep going on dates with the guy until you start feeling uncomfortable and realize he doesn’t make you happy anymore.

Don’t worry about marriage or kids or anything else. After a few years one of you may realize you can’t live without the other, and then things will turn one way or the other. Don’t make your analysis. It’ll be tough as hell.. trust me. I have had many friends who are the same way. One is about to get married and emailed me recently, saying “You were right Josh. The moment I made it a relationship and not an engineering problem, things changed and I didn’t get hurt so much.”

Anywho, you may or may not agree with me, but at least some of your readers may have some similar experiences and can take my words to heart.

I hope nothing but the best for you Erica.
kesuki

Josh I just have to point out one thing, Erica knows a lot about managing and running businesses, not engineering problems.

so having said that, i’m going to say that you did give her some good advice to think about but it’s really up to erica to decide when and how she approaches a serious relationship. And there are a lot of ways to make it work, the most important factor is knowing your own limitations and strengths… can you put up with someone who can’t deal with their own human fraility or not? if you can then your options are wide open because just about everyone has difficult times in their lives they can’t see their own way past, and many people blind themselves to outside influence as well. from what i know of erica she needs somone who is very strong very exceptional and very loving. unless she changes, that is. Change always comes from within, but it is true sometimes people need outside help to change. the question is are those people truly seeking help, or just looking for a set of crutches so they can feel better while having to do less?
FortKnox

Not to argue, but this wasn’t about engineering a problem or the type of person she needs to be with. Its about overanalyzing a relationship when it is far too young. Its very typical of techie and highly educated people. It tends to make people go way to fast and look too far into the future instead of what they have at the moment. That was the point of my whole schpeel. I’ve seen it happen in friends, I’ve had friends see it in themselves and become better at relationships at a whole, and I’ve had friends that refuse to believe me and still have trouble.

There are two extremes in relationships. The hopeless romantic that goes out searching for exactly the specific thing they want (or think they want), or the educated person that gets in any decent relationship and determines how good or poor it will be in 10 years after they’ve dated for a month. The first one needs to lower expectations and understand how it is extremely rare for such a person to exist and its all about taking the good with the bad and compromise. The second one needs to learn to live in the moment and not try to solve the mysteries of the relationship.

Sorry I didn’t make it very clear.
SlashChick

Hi FK… well, that’s pretty much the reason I’ve stopped looking. I mean like not just stopped looking as in I will still go out on dates, but mostly “forget about it” stopped looking. I’m not going to waste my time on someone who is just going to hurt me later. And the fact is, for every guy I have a crush on, there are at least 10 reasons why it would not work out… not superficial, either… from being only interested in sex to being too far away to being in a relationship with someone else currently! So I have learned to steer clear of relationships. If he wants a relationship with me, he’s going to have go after it. So far no guy has jumped at that chance in the past 6 months, and frankly there are far better things than I can be doing than try to convince someone that it’s “right” when he’s not interested. So…next?
http://www.themintpages.com ang*e

& I can’t even stay in a relationship long enough for me to stipulate its future. we’re all screwed!
http://maybelater Hercynium

Just wanted to say I think you’re cool.

I’m sure the opinion of a random person on teh intarweb doesn’t really matter a whole lot, (especially considering what you’ve been writing about) but I was reading along and get the impression you’re not another cliche like millions of other people out there. I like people like that. (non-cliche people I mean)

Anyhow, I clicked on a link from slashdot ’cause women who are real geeks tend to be a rare occurrence – and people who are different always interest me.

Anyhow – I’ll probably check back in again. (The whole web-voyeur feel of reading someone’s blog always makes me feel a little weird, but posting a comment helps mitigate that, I think, blah. Coding in perl has ruined my ability to write today…)
http://lpetrazickis.livejournal.com/ Leo Petr

I’ve recently recommended OKCupid to a few friends of mine — a British proofreader in her 30s and a New Brunswick student in his 20s — and they’ve had a fair bit of success with it. This complements the success I’ve had with it myself. It’s free and it does a terrific job of rooting out people one is compatible with. The general procedure is:
- Register. Fill out your profile. A few paragraphs here and there.
- Do the main site test.
- Do a few Improve Matches questions. They are fun in their simplicity, so you’ll get to a hundred and more in no time.
- Wait a bit for the servers to update your match scores with other people. Not instantaneous, I am afraid. Cartesian products and all that. You know.;)
- Check out your Local Matches. Check your messages every so often. You’ll get some louts, and you’ll get some charming chaps. See where things take you.

I was a bit unfair. I have to admit it…

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