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“I’m Not Good Enough”
This is for those of you who know me pretty well. I’m blogging this here so next time this happens and you ask “Why?” or “What did I do?”, I can just point you here.
I sometimes go through this phase where I get overly emotional and, for lack of better words, collapse into a pile of tears. The phase usually lasts until I go to sleep and sleep it off, and then I’m okay the next day.
Since I can feel myself going through one right now, but no one else is here so I’m not distracted, I’m going to blog what happens. I don’t really think there’s a “fix” for it; I’ve had them for 10+ years. But perhaps blogging about it will lead to a better understanding on everyone’s part.
1) The first thing that has to happen is that I’m feeling overwhelmed and/or pressured to get something done on a deadline. This, in itself, will not cause it, but it has to be there first.
2) Something pushes me over the edge. I’ll be honest — about 99% of the time it’s a phone call. I have a seething hate for phone calls, especially when they wake me up in the morning. Today it happened to be a phone call from a grumpy client.
3) Once 2 is over, I’ve been pushed over my limit of stress for the day, and my brain shuts down. (I don’t know why it shuts down, but it does.) The stress hits me full-on and I feel nauseous. I’m unable to focus on anything except that there is way too much for me to do. I feel completely overwhelmed. My instincts tell me to run, so I do… this is when you’ll see me sleeping it off or playing a game — anything to get away from the stress.
4) I wake up totally exhausted and grudgingly get whatever work I need to do done.
I don’t know how to break this cycle, other than not feeling overwhelmed in the first place. Do any of you go through something like this? If you do, I am open to suggestions.
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2 Responses to ““I’m Not Good Enough””
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Let me break it down:
1) Overwhelmed. When I feel the pressure of a dealine, I prioritize (or get the bossman to do it) all the work I have to do at that time. I figure reasonable estimates for the top n bits of work to see where I stand. So, if I have 5 bits of work, and only the top 2 can get done, then I notify whomever I owe the bottom 3 that they’ll get their work later. The sooner I tell ‘em, the better they take it. Then, I do the work I can and let the rest go.
2) Phone call. Remember Batman (the movie) with Michael Keaton? When he speaks into his wrist-radio and says, “Shields” and then his car gets some crazy shell-like exoskeleton? That’s what I try to do: if someone’s going nutty and taking it out on me, I say to myself, “This is not about you. ‘Bob’ is having a rough day and is taking it out on you. This is not about you,” etc. Sometimes it doesn’t work, but it always helps.
3) Shut down. Oh boy, yeah, I do that. And it never works. Why? Because I’m not dealing with the hurt; just sticking my head in the sand and hoping it will go away. It never does.
Now, I haven’t worked my way up to doing this every time, but the way I’ve found to resolve the hurt is to get into a quiet place and actually go the opposite: rather than hide from the hurt, I experience it. There’s a reason why something someone said hurts me, and I try to understand that. It sounds corny, but it works for me.
4) Emotional drain is just as powerful as a physical drain, no?
Sorry to hear you’re having a rough time. Hang in there - the bad times are only temporary!
*nods to SafetyCap’s comment*
Sometimes these things are not fully cureable, but can be managed. Over time I believe they can lose some of their potency. I cannot guess at your own case, but for some people they can be caused by trying to maintain an ideal front to the point of denying our natural flaws or past trauma an outlet, and this can happen even subconsciously, if this makes sense.
I’d find a comfortable place, perhaps one of spiritual significance, it doesn’t have to be someplace you own.. it can be a library, park, etc., maybe even a virtual place! And perhaps a small list of people to talk to or visit that will make you feel comfortable should you feel like company, and a professional backup to answer the phone for a few hours.
Knowing that you will weather the storm and bounce back should go a long way to managing these periods.