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I will win.
It’s the next morning and I’m still sick. If possible, I feel more sick than I did yesterday. The cold triggered a huge wave of depression when I woke up this morning, which took this time to remind me that there’s no one to take care of me when I’m sick like this, and that — while I am completely exhausted and even a flight of stairs seems insurmountable — I still have to drag my butt out of bed and do everything myself.
I am now considering that this is not necessarily a bad thing.
One thing has become clear to me in the past several months. I have a 10-year-old cloud of depression hanging over my head, and I’m not going to have a successful relationship until I can lift it myself without relying on someone else.
I remember when it all started. My best friend moved away when I was in 7th grade, leaving me with no one. I can remember wandering the playground idly (I still hate the fact that they gave 7th graders recess) with no friends at all. It was the worst 6 months of my life, bar none.
That 6 months of my life, somehow, still has a grip on me. I still get depressed and lonely, even when I have a boyfriend. I get even more depressed and lonely when I don’t have a boyfriend. The last 6 months of my life have been rough, and I’ve gone through a lot. I know this is a large transition in my life; it’s the same one most people go through when they get out of college and enter the “real world.” It is probably one of the largest transition periods I’ll go through. I would say I’m depressed about 60% of the time right now. No, when you see me online, or even when you meet me in person, you don’t see it. But it’s there, and it likes to come out at inopportune times (mostly when I’m going to bed or waking up.) It hits me when I’m most vulnerable and least expecting it, and it turns me from a confident CEO to an overly-emotional stress ball in seconds.
I’ve made the decision that I have to beat this or I’m not going to survive on my own. I know this from looking at my previous depression cycles. At some point, they all got so bad that I didn’t want to live any more, and I don’t want to be in that state any longer. Some of you would advise anti-depressants or even a therapist. Though I think a therapist would probably help me more than drugs, and I haven’t quite ruled out that possibility, I’m going to see if I can beat this one myself. It’s been part of my life for 10 years and I finally feel like I have the strength to tackle it head-on.
I know facing the depression will make me face some things I don’t want to face about myself. I’ve treated a lot of people I love poorly in the past. I have actually worked out most of those by this point thanks to Landmark forum. Now it’s time to turn inward and really focus on letting that go inside myself. It’s also time to build my self-confidence and really love who I am. I’ve gotten a lot better at that, but I’m still not 100%, and I turn on myself too quickly when I do something wrong. I also tend to blame myself for things that aren’t my fault, which just makes me miserable since I can’t fix whatever it is.
I realize that there is no perfection in this life, and I won’t ever be happy 100% of the time. But if I can focus on fighting through each individual depression and finally getting to the root of it and clearing that up with myself, I can at least have a positive, healthy outlook the vast majority of the time. I can’t run away from my problems any more and hide behind relationships. It’s time to get this out and taken care of once and for all.
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5 Responses to “I will win.”
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Just think of what I said. Everything will be okay.
Anti-depressants are your friend. Trust vitamin P-p-p-prozac.
Seriously, I wish you luck, but remember there is no shame in fixing an organ via drugs, be it insulin or an anti-depressant.
Erica:
I really enjoy your blog and a few times have started responding to some of the things you’ve said, but deleted it. This one is important: seek therapy.
I also struggled with depression for years, starting in college. I didn’t even realize what it was until someone who happened to have a degree in psychology pointed out that I was always depressed. She suggested a therapist, but I wouldn’t go, deciding I could fix myself by myself. Always been a loner; always took care of myself (sound familiar
Anyway, to make a long story short, I did come out of it years later due to sheer dumb luck, but I’ve always regretted not getting therapy. In retrospect, therapy would have saved me from wasting years of my life struggling against depression.
You may be able to do it on your own, but the time you waste is time you’ll never get back. I think it would be worthwhile to at least go to a session or two to see how it feels.
Good luck, and I hope to still be hosting with Simpli when I’m a $1M company
This may be one of your most important posts. You’re asking the right questions. Remember to weigh the opportunity costs of actions not taken.
Hey, Im sure you have read the other comments about “Ive been there”, etc. This wont be one of them, I realized long ago that the you cant honestly know what another person is going thru: even if you went thru something identical (not to likely), then you will prolly have reacted to it at least somewhat differently. I will, however, say that one of my hobbies is “personology”, which is a sort of psychology. more then that, years ago, I ran into someone I wanted to get to know a lot better, and had to do a lot of learning about other humans. also, everything I say is IMO :P. Im not any sort of a professional, or anything like that, but I have seen a lot of depressed people, and I can understand that it, quite simply sucks. I also disagree with the comment above about vitamin prozak, but Im also way to stubborn to want to “fix” a problem like depresion with a depenency on a drug :). I do, however agree with the post by traveller, that at least asking the right questions is a start. I (personaly) wouldnt totaly discount the possibility of a therapist, but that has to be your choice. In the end, Id just like to say,
dont take anymore advice from some random guy posting here thenyou would from /. about a legal matter :).
You will have to make your own choices, because if you goto a therapist, or “vitamin prozak”, or go it on your own because someone else told you its the right way, your settign yourself on a very ahrd road to follow
And, of course, to wish you all the best in your “battles”